just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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