she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
