I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
