i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
