i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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