His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
