I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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