Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
