How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
