dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
