One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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