the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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