I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
