I will die if light touches me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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