You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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