I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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