all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
