Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
