I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
