when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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