you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
