Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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