Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
