I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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