from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
