I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
