I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
