she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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