Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
