She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
