I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
