Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
