It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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