Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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