I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
