Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
