I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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