so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
