I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
