im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
