i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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