Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
