A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
we made out on top of his cat.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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