Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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