I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
