I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
