I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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