I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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