Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
