i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
