I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
