Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
