I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
