Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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