if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
