Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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