im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
