I'm so fucking centered right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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