Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
