i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
